A cheeky dram o' Toilet Duck, an M16, chia enemas, the Viet Cong's worst nightmare: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Jemma asks
I'm in hospital, my room is private but I share a bathroom with the room next door and there's no locks. What should I do if the other patient enters the bathroom while I'm taking a shit?
My answer
The other day I was listening to a podcast interview of a bloke who used to be a US Navy SEAL back in the Vietnam War. He and his buddies were on a mission where they had to hike through about a hundred miles of jungle to perform a stealth attack on an unsuspecting factory or something, way behind enemy lines.
If your team is marching through trackless jungle for days, they'll naturally poo daily. The Viet Cong, however, regularly used tracker dogs, who latch on to the smell of SEAL poo like barnacles on $CURRENT_POLITICIAN's ass. The SEALs therefore used all kinds of scent-suppressants, including but not limited to anti-laxatives. So many anti-laxatives. They genuinely didn’t poo for the entire week-long mission.
There's your winning formula. Convince your excremental colleague that he and/or she is a crack, secret, elite, secret, and crack super-SEAL, on the prowl for colossal and juicy Cong-esque military targets a week's march away. You may think this may not be easy, but ever been through a major hospital operation yourself? The surgeons need your innards squeaky-clean to avoid Complications, which in practice means abstinence from water. Any water. Sometimes for days. Your neighbour will be parched. Give 'em a luvverly swig of really-not-really medicinal gin, or perhaps a wee dram o' Toilet Duck, and they'll be hammered and pliant in moments.
Then start making Tarzan noises, or whatever the hell sounds Viet Cong fellas produce, shove an M16 in their fists and a metric fuckton of chia seeds up their ass (for bonus points, tell 'em chia enemas are the latest shit-hot fad from Latvia or wherever) (and seriously, I once swallowed a shot glass of chia seeds with juuust enough water to wash them down and no more, and I had poo like concrete for the next two days. Those fuckers absorb ten times their volume in water.)
A solid hit of Toilet Duck; an M16; and a chia enema. You'll now have your shared bathroom to yourself for the next week. Just don't scream through the keyhole that you think Ho Chi Minh is the dreamiest darling evah, or you might find vast quantities of Agent Orange squirted back.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/11/a-cheeky-dram-o-toilet-duck-an-m16-chia-enemas-the-viet-congs-worst-nightmare-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On rejuvenating shite grub into exquisite ambrosia by guzzling pints of 800C+ molten salt: today's TERRIBLE advice
“I have absolutely no idea where your brain comes up with this stuff, but it gave me a laugh. Lol!”
Everything that's ever happened or ever will happen in the entire goddamn universe: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Mikey, this is a brilliant reminder that life isn't meant to be smoothed over. We've become addicted to the convenience of 'good' advice, but it's the terrible, messy, and absurd stuff that actually makes for a story worth telling.”
On conscripting lesbian bitches and gay male dogs through Pray-The-Gay-Away camps for rich entitled floozies: today's TERRIBLE advice
“This was gloriously unhinged from start to finish. 😂 The absurd escalation from "gay dogs" to "cats caused by conversion camps" had me laughing because it never pretended to be anything but satire. Underneath the chaos, though, there's a sharp jab at the ridiculousness of trying to "fix" someone's identity. The humor is outrageous, but the point lands. Looking forward to reading more of your beautifully deranged "Terrible Advice."”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
This is exactly the kind of absurd humour that shouldn't work and somehow still works.
The commitment to the bit never wavers, and perhaps that's what makes it funny? Thank you for sharing!😭
This is a unique, and unrestrained piece. It’s a rather interesting read.