A goddess so magnificent melts before MOI? I'm phenomenal! Plus further ego-stroking manipulative bullshit: today's TERRIBLE advice
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Kohli asks
I have been with my boyfriend for 2yrs. Before I met him, I hooked up with his brother but I didn't know that was his brother until I met his family a while after. I spoke to his brother and we decided to keep it quiet about us being together so as to not upset my boyfriend as that was in the past.
For the last 6 months or so I have also been sleeping with my boyfriend's dad and we have fallen in love. Last month it was my boyfriend's birthday and I got drunk as me and bf had an argument and I ended up sleeping with his brother. It was a one-off and won't happen again but I have just found out I am pregnant and don't know who the father is. I really want to break things off with my bf and make a go of things with his dad, but he thinks I haven't been sleeping with his son (my bf) as our relationship was rocky but truth is we were still having sex. Please help, I have really messed up!
My answer
Oh, man. I've been in your shoes before, girl. More times than you might think! God, men are more-ish, aren't they?
Here's what you need to do. Learn from my experiences and mistakes, queen! Your secret to success and prosperity and triumph unprecedented is to build yourself up, at least in their eyes, as this ethereal and exquisite goddess of sensuality, beauty, ecstasy, and bliss. Phwoar.
I mean you should totally be doing that anyway on general principles. So get cracking. Then, each time you're alone with any of your three beaus, make a great colossal play of even your magnificent ethereal radiance simply melting aswoon at their girth and their stoutness and their colossal sturdy masculine strength.
Your goal is to make each bloke think "oh wow, a goddess of this magnificence melts before moi? I must be phenomenal! Go me!" Blokes eat that shit up.
But! The real trick is to also subtly yet firmly communicate to each bloke that you feel similarly about the other two. Each are impossible thunderheads of greasy masculine powah. How could a delightful delicate darling goddess like yourself ever resist? Each will think "Well if those other two blokes are as magnificent as I am, then naturally she's melting for them too. She's only human, yeah?"
Got 'em! Play your cards right and you'll be able to fuck all three, all the time. All of them will think "well obviously she's helpless before us, we're amazing." They think you're a delicate feminine goddess and nothing more, yet you've outthought the lot. Strength and power come in many forms past the purely physical, girl. Your subtle genius has set you free to bang bang BANG, 24/7. Use their egos against them. Problem solved.
That said, don't come complaining to me if you get pregnant from all three chumps at once and their idiot offspring attack each other in your womb and/or punch their way free like in Aliens. If I had a dollar for each time that'd happened to me ...
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/11/a-goddess-so-magnificent-melts-before-moi-im-phenomenal-plus-further-ego-stroking-manipulative-bullshit-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
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Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
What makes this funny is that beneath all the ridiculousness, there's a grain of truth hiding in there. Not about sleeping with your boyfriend's father, obviously, but about how often people justify behavior by appealing to someone else's ego, blind spots, or assumptions.
The satire works because it keeps escalating until you can't help but laugh, but it's also poking fun at our tendency to treat manipulation as wisdom when it produces the outcome we want.
Also, "a goddess so magnificent melts before moi?" may be one of the funniest descriptions of male ego I've read in a while.