On thunderous humptacular frenzies of lust and scandal, anti-landlord psychological dominance tactics, and extra-sublime pillow talk: today's TERRIBLE advice
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Nicola asks
Landlord keeps choosing our flat to show potential new tenants round (it's one flat of multiple identical ones within same block). How do we get them to start showing one of the other flats instead of ours
My answer
Okay this one's a doozy. It'll require serous prep. But goddammit, it'll be worth your while!
First, approach and seduce every single member of the landlord's extended family. This is key. This is CRUCIAL. Ensure you've got the lot romantically and psychologically wrapped around your little finger. I mean you should totally be doing that anyway, just on general principles, but here's your hundredth reason to extend still further your psychological webs of control and dominance and hot hot lesbian action. If your tastes run that way. Kick some serious patoot, you crazy bastard.
Great, done. And today's inspection day. Showtime!
The landlord and his new tenants arrive at your flat. They open the front door and venture in.
Big mistake. For the first thing they see?
They see you making sweet sweet love to Landlord's own spouse.
You and Spouse immediately shriek and squeal like twin Christopher Lees on helium. You clutch items of apparel to your persons to conceal assorted Naughty Bits, and before anyone can react, you've both scampered out past your gobsmacked audience, outside and away.
Landlord is now Ruffled! Landlord is now Bamboozled! But he's a pro. Right? So he attempts to continue showing his potential new tenants inside. The show must go on, goddamnit.
Landlord and Tenants continue down your flat's hall, into the kitchen ... and again they stumble across you. Again you're making some sweet sweet love. This time it's to the Landlord's eldest offspring.
You two squeal anew, screechier and shriekier. Why not up the ante? Why not fling a few choice items at Landlord's head? Why not loudly accuse him and his Tenant gaggle of being harlots and perverts and softcocks? Don't let him psychologically recover! Keep him on the back foot and discombobulated! He's a dingbat! He's a barbarian! Pressure pressure pressure! Whilst maintaining your barrage of withering insults, advance adamant to the kitchen door, then together again scamper past Landlord and Tenants to outside safety and vamoose.
Repeat for every single room in the house, and for every single one of Landlord's family members. Every single room contains you and a different Landlord's loved one, fucking each others' brains out. Bedrooms, bathroom, attic, basement, random Potteresque under-stairs cupboards, even the cutlery drawer, why not? The more alcoves the merrier.
Should your flat contain more rooms than Landlord possesses loved ones (disturbingly plausible for landlords incapable of love (i.e. most of 'em)), then simply fall back to some of his prettier-looking appliances. Ever tried to fuck a fridge? Jesus. I have. Wowza. Underrated! Sublime pillow talk!
Kick off thunderous humptacular frenzies of lust and scandal in every room. Wherever Landlord and Tenants dare to venture, there you already are, humping a loved one and/or whiteware. Bonus points for both squirting scalding jets of rad bodily fluids against Intruder Throats. Make it spectacularly clear that, across your entire shared apartment block, should Landlord intrude into in your flat and only your flat, he will inevitably faceplant psychological and romantic devastation in vast and gorgeous quantities. He'll be putty in minutes. Good friggin' riddance.
Finally, the next time any Landlord+Tenants appear in your shared apartment block: simply leave breadcrumb-trails to the entrances of every flat but yours: they'll consist of, let us say, paperwork printouts of all local Tenancy Tribunal cases where the judge ruled in the landlord's favour. And to your flat, leave a breadcrumb-trail of the contents of the landlord's own undies drawer.
Landlord will never trouble you again. Problem solved 😘
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/on-thunderous-humptacular-frenzies-of-lust-and-scandal-anti-landlord-psychological-dominance-tactics-and-extra-sublime-pillow-talk-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
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“I found this a very humorous piece yet it still had insights to serious modern day topics within the scope of relationships. Beautiful work man!”
Everything that's ever happened or ever will happen in the entire goddamn universe: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Mikey, this is a brilliant reminder that life isn't meant to be smoothed over. We've become addicted to the convenience of 'good' advice, but it's the terrible, messy, and absurd stuff that actually makes for a story worth telling.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
This was really enjoyable. I love it:)
This was funny 😁 the landlord will never trouble you again!