Glorious goose stockpiles, sphincter vigilance, and all pooing is gay: today's TERRIBLE advice
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TurquoisePanda5263 asks
My mom tells me to not try to pet a goose.
My friends tell me to not try to pet a goose.
I want to pet a goose.
What do? Other than y’know…the typical dad advice… 🤣
My answer
There is a classic French novel called Gargantua. There is a quote from it:
"Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus."
Sounds like your mom and your friends adore feeling a most wonderful pleasure in their nockholes and detest sharesies. Sounds like they're warning you away from their secret stashes of rectal plunder. Bah. Shoot your shot, girl. Swan-dive every goose you encounter and floss your butt cheeks with their downy downy goose-necks at every opportunity.
Raging goosebumphiles like your friends and family are often also heinous anti-gays. You'd be amazed how much overlap there is between greedily hoarding precious global goose neck supplies, and championing the "EVERYTHING ass-related is gay" crowd. You know. People who claim that washing their ass is gay. Or even that pooing is gay. Pooing. Seriously. It happens. People this unhinged actually exist.
But luckily you’ve bumped into someone sane, yours truly. Follow my wisdom and you’ll be golden. Channel and amplify their entirely reasonable heterophilia. Inform your Goosebumphile loved ones that you’re in trembling awe and envy of their excremental wisdom re shunning pooing, and all folk of sound mind and sounder nockholes will become distraught should their sphincter vigilance ever falter.
Their pride and ego will puff up even faster than their large intestines. Now just wait for them all to physically explode and their glorious goose stockpiles will be yours to claim.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/4/glorious-goose-stockpiles-sphincter-vigilance-and-all-pooing-is-gay-todays-terrible-advice
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