How to cure 1,865,500 cases of haemorrhoids every second: today's TERRIBLE advice
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Iain asks
How to get rid of a haemorrhoid?
My answer
The current record holder for the fastest ever artificial object (excluding individual subatomic particles inside the Large Hadron Collider) is a womanhole cover travelling at 125,000mph, propelled straight up by a nuclear explosion below: https://www.zmescience.com/.../fastest-manmade-object.../
What you do is, next time someone decides to do an underground nuclear test beneath a womanhole, you weld a steel dildo onto the womanhole and pointing up, place your bodyweight upon the dildo and pressing up into your haemorrhoid ... and wait.
When the nuke detonates below, the womanhole cover and dildo will travel the ~3cm required to physically compress your haemorrhoid back into your body in 0.0000005369 seconds.
Incidentally, if you attempted to cure every case of haemorrhoids like this, you could theoretically cure 1,862,500 cases a second.
(Incidentally x2, every so often we all encounter kerfuffles re manhole. Apparently that's sexist. There was a city council meeting I encountered a few years ago mandating "personhole". Sigh. I do actually genuinely support anti-sexism in general, but "personhole"? Aah. No thank you. I do actually enjoy "womanhole": it's exactly as sexist, but the anti-sexist crowd generally have zero idea how to react to it. Not least because it puts everyone in mind of vaginas. It's great fun tweaking them.)
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/how-to-cure-1-865-500-cases-of-haemorrhoids-every-second-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
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Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
“personhole”- is my new go 2 word