How to infect exactly one Covid virus with Human: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Brie asks
Just tested positive for COVID yesterday
What do
My answer
Take a leaf out of the Old Testament and take an eye for an eye. That little fucker thinks it can infect you? You just infect that Covid virus right back, you hear? Time to fight fire with fire.
Here's how. You'll need the following team:
Someone able to peel off an egg's entire shell and keep it in one contiguous piece
A professional bubble-blower able to produce soap bubbles 20-30 metres wide
One of those mad bastards who get their jollies from shoving their heads into open lions' mouths
A representative from either the Mursi people (the one whose members stretch their lower lips around those huge hoops to make themselves even sexier) or your local flanneled hipster already schooled in such dark arts
Combine their powers like an unholy Captain Planet. Locate a single Covid virus. Puncture it. Inflate and stretch and widen that fucker until it's two metres across. Then climb inside. Now go about your daily business, wearing it like a latex catsuit. Or the sheerest pantyhose in the world. Hell, play your cards right and you could start a fab new fashion trend.
Bingo. Don't appreciate being infected with Covid? You've infected Covid right back. Problem solved.
Edit: just realised. No problem not solved. That's one Covid virus down; seven hundred million quintillion to go. You cannot rest until you're wearing every single Covid virus ever bred, like infinity horrible ponchos. You've got work ahead. Get cracking.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/how-to-infect-exactly-one-covid-virus-with-human-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On Dark Triad gigantic assholes, Habsburg jaws, sweet sweet world domination, and devouring clients' noxious juices: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Haha cheers Mikey. Really funny, enjoyable read 🤣 at the start I was like wth 😂😂 but nicely tied together. Cheers mate!”
Ten thousand tremulous thunder-thighs, the ideal relationship fuel: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Vivid, visceral, and just the right amount of chaotic. You always manage to paint these incredibly bold pictures with your words. It’s hard not to feel the 'tremulous' energy you’re describing here.”
On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice
“The article is essentially literary jazz played by a man who appears to have consumed three espressos and an encyclopedia of Antarctic history. 💯🔥 That last part might actually be the highest compliment I can give it. The piece feels like a mind having fun with itself. Appreciate you, Mikey!🫡”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
😂😂😂