How to score unlimited free coffee
Here’s a rare non-TERRIBLE-advice post. Yes I sometimes write them, you friggin’ numpty:
No, seriously. But oh dear. You may find "free" comes at too high a price.
Yesterday [at time of first writing; this was actually in 2022] I was passing through an airport café in Adelaide, Australia. My caffeine thirst twanged. I ordered an espresso. The barista apologised and told me the machine was broken. I stared at the oodles of unground coffee beans stored in the cafe's bean grinder. My caffeine thirst twanged anew. My noggin's cognitive concreting gave one final spark before caffeine drought brain death blah.
On a whim I asked him if I could just simply eat the beans directly.
He stared at me for three seconds, then laughed, and gave me an espresso shot of whole beans plus water to wash it down.
I stared at it for 27 years ... then got chewing.
Genuinely not bad! Unpleasant, sure, but when you really think about it, isn't all espresso? Come on. Who downs espresso and unironically enjoys its taste? Hipsters? Nah. They're all about preening and social facades.
So I attempted to pay. And the dude refused to accept a cent! He said witnessing me chowing down was one of the biggest and most joyous laughs he'd had in ages, and never in a million years had he thought anyone would ever attempt gobbling whole beans with zero prep like that. On the house mate.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/how-to-score-unlimited-free-coffee
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On the surprising advantages of infecting ten thousand douchebag dogs with kissy Covid: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Nonsense? Ahahahaha naaaahhh it's peak writing”
On combating shoplifting accusations by dribbling lab ethanol on every breathalyser in Christendom: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Your writing is seriously entertaining! It’s like a breath of hilarious air. Thanks so much for keeping my feed funny. Yours is one of few posts I read where I actually laugh out loud 🩵”
Who should rule the world? Teenagers, that's not who
“Haha - love your writing so much.. 'I cultivate bullshit emeritus!' This made me lol.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.