“I enjoyed this! The mix of random observations, humour and curiosity made it a lot of fun to read.” 🔗 — claudia
No, seriously. But oh dear. You may find "free" comes at too high a price.
Yesterday [at time of first writing; this was actually in 2022] I was passing through an airport café in Adelaide, Australia. My caffeine thirst twanged. I ordered an espresso. The barista apologised and told me the machine was broken. I stared at the oodles of unground coffee beans stored in the cafe's bean grinder. My caffeine thirst twanged anew. My noggin's cognitive concreting gave one final spark before caffeine drought brain death blah.
On a whim I asked him if I could just simply eat the beans directly.
He stared at me for three seconds, then laughed, and gave me an espresso shot of whole beans plus water to wash it down.
I stared at it for 27 years ... then got chewing.
Genuinely not bad! Unpleasant, sure, but when you really think about it, isn't all espresso? Come on. Who downs espresso and unironically enjoys its taste? Hipsters? Nah. They're all about preening and social facades.
So I attempted to pay. And the dude refused to accept a cent! He said witnessing me chowing down was one of the biggest and most joyous laughs he'd had in ages, and never in a million years had he thought anyone would ever attempt gobbling whole beans with zero prep like that. On the house mate.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/how-to-score-unlimited-free-coffee
😘 THANK YOU 😘
For reading my unconscionable Bullshit. I hope you loved reading it as much as I loved writing it. Which is shitloads. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
Hungry for seconds? Then today’s your lucky day, you magnificent bastard:
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE
Existing Cool Cat subscribers write such lovely reviews! My Reviews Pages rock 166 gems and counting. Check out this snazzy sampling, baby:
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“This is why I love Substack!”
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“I laughed at the answer, but what really got me was the reference list. You start with Shaft, slide into Luther Vandross, and then casually throw in Mr. Blobby as if they're all members of the same Funk Hall of Fame. That completely unexpected detour is what made the joke for me. Brilliant bit of absurd comedy.”
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“Hey 🤍This was absolutely chaotic in the best way possible. You had me laughing from start to finish. The way the absurdity just kept escalating was brilliant. Your imagination is wild! ”
🔗 — FL for life
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Enjoy oodles more kudos at
😘 mikeyclarke.substack.com/p/reviews 😘
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
If by some squeamish miracle you’ve read this far with your sanity intact, then my longer works may be right up your alley:
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
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Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
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Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
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The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
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Click these and enjoy these and your morbid appetites will be SATISFIED 😘
Bullshit Soirée: YOUR TURN
Fancy some Terrible Advice of your own? Comment your question below, and I’ll conjure up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you.
And then! Like! Comment! Restack! Shove this post before even more proto-Cool-Cats. Make there be More Of Us. The world’s killjoys won’t know what hit ‘em. It’ll be tremendous. You won’t regret it, hawt stuff. And it’ll make all existing Sexyverse Advice Cool Cats, and/or me, incredibly happy. You put yummy in all our tummies, you know that?
haha! this is awesome!!