Kapowing distinguished gents into the ionosphere 24/7 via wholesome sideboob: today's TERRIBLE advice
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ProductiveAvocado681 asks
Husband’s porn addiction is so bad he can barely function. What do?
Make me laugh because this is the one addiction I can’t live with. Porn was allowed in our relationship. There was no reason for him to lie to me or be insecure about himself. Now I’m trapped in a sexless marriage and he can’t function as a human anymore.
My answer
Simply gather and accumulate all the porn in the entire history of the goddamn universe, then ladle it into his face in the span of five seconds like a super-concentrated Clockwork Orange. No porn he’ll subsequently experience will ever again spark that vital thrill of novelty. He's seen it all, man. It’ll crumble in his mouth like bitter friggin’ ashes. He’ll go right off it. With any luck, from then on, even the teensiest flash of wholesome sideboob will make him spasm and recoil like one of those hilarious videos where people scootch massive cucumbers on the floor behind and towards their cats, and the cats detect the rear cucumber ambush and leap airborne:
Do that. Go on. It’ll be brilliant. On second thoughts, you should totally do that anyway, hubby porn addiction or no. Hell, if my own sideboob possessed the Airborne Husband superpower, don’t you think I’d be kapowing distinguished gents into the ionosphere 24/7? Why should only the ladies have all the fun?
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/5/kapowing-distinguished-gents-into-the-ionosphere-24-7-via-wholesome-sideboob-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
Man, some solid ass advice as always, I need to start submitting my own problems to you jajajaj need some of that Mikey wisdom!
Wonderful advice I’ve been wisened