Today's TERRIBLE advice: on obsoleting all car locksmiths via strategic Onanism
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group nourishes GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Liza asks
Best way to get into my apartment without the key. For context my ex has a key. I have his car and my dog which is how I locked my keys inside. My landlord is typically out of town. But also seems to not like me. My key is on my key ring with my car keys. Ex is in his other car likely with the spare key to my apartment. Please send the worst advise
My answer
Looks like the fundamental issue here is placing your apartment keys in close proximity to your apartment. Easy peasy. Either turn your ex’s car inside out and extrude your keys from it like you’re undoing a pair of rolled-up socks, or squidge your entire apartment into the car through the heater fan vent like your apartment is Play-Doh. To cultivate the superb grip and forearm strength necessary to sculpt entire vehicles or structures or both, you’ll need to do a stupendous amount of masturbating, so get downstairs-DJ-ing for a few months first. Hell, why not do that anyway. Might as well enjoy yourself. In fact, forget the keys.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/1/making-all-c...
Further Reading: The SEXYVERSE NOVELS
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Crave more bullshit laughs? Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED. And it’ll make me incredibly happy. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?