On becoming the glorious-est flirter in the goddamn galaxy: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
RW asks
I posted about this before but the situation is getting worse.
Im a 41yo married mom of two and there’s a guy probably young enough to be my son who works at Trader Joe’s and obviously has a crush on me, he engages me in a real conversation every time I go there and flirts HARD. Well, I’m starting to find him really attractive, not sure why because his personality reminds me of Ed from Good Burger.
To make a long story short, my basement is starting to flood now whenever I run into this guy.
How do I avoid him? Quitting TJ’s is not an option because I need snacks.
My answer
Easy. Egg him on. Encourage him to flirt so galactically hard that no-one has ever flirted so hard in the history of humanity. If all goes swimmingly, your basement flood will become a majestic goddamn tsunami and drown him. No more flirting, and you'd better believe he'll die happy. Problem solved.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/on-becoming-the-glorious-est-flirter-in-the-goddamngalaxy-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
Waps of inconceivable vastness and splendour: today’s TERRIBLE advice
“Bahahahahah this is comic genius - hilarious”
Ten thousand tremulous thunder-thighs, the ideal relationship fuel: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Vivid, visceral, and just the right amount of chaotic. You always manage to paint these incredibly bold pictures with your words. It’s hard not to feel the 'tremulous' energy you’re describing here.”
On conscripting lesbian bitches and gay male dogs through Pray-The-Gay-Away camps for rich entitled floozies: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Your writing has this wonderfully chaotic energy that somehow stays coherent despite how wildly it escalates. 😂 I came for the absurd premise, stayed for the commitment to the bit. Satire like this is harder to write than people think, and you nailed the pacing.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
haha enjoyed this short story. Very human narrative. thanks for sharing!
beautiful piece!!