On conscripting lesbian bitches and gay male dogs through Pray-The-Gay-Away camps for rich entitled floozies: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Matt asks
What would you do if you had a dog or cat that turned out to be homosexual?
My answer
Wait, what? Aren't all cats already incredibly homosexual?
I thought cats were like mules. You get mules from making horses and donkeys bone each other. Horses and donkeys are two different species, but similar enough to produce intermediate yet sterile offspring. You get mules. Mules are sterile. Mules can't produce mules with other mules. And not for lack of trying, believe me. That's a spring break I won't ever get back.
I thought you got cats similarly. By making gay dogs hump, i.e. male poof-dogs and female lesbo-dogs. That shit ain't easy, believe me. They're not exactly inclined that way in the first place. And boy oh boy does it show: multiple dog breeders have informed me the off offspring of already-gay dogs is dogs so super-DUPER-gay that it soaks into their physiques, and produces the creatures we know as cats.
Thing is, a lot of people love super-DUPER gay dogs, sorry, cats. You hit your classic supply/demand economic tyranny. There's oodles of Demand. And where there's Demand, sooner or later inevitably there follows Supply.
Turns out it's absolute hell for the cat breeding business. Persuading two super-DUPER-gay-dog-cat-creatures to insert Tab A into Slot B is like jamming together two repulsive magnets. And now imagine both magnets are a scratchy whirlwind of claws and yowling. Multiple cat breeders tell me that to get cats to mate and produce other cats, they must first force the cats through those hideous Pray-The-Gay-Away camps so notoriously championed by various American megachurches.
Wasn't that how those camps actually got started? I hear Pat Robertson and Joel Osteen and their ilk made their nascent megabucks by charging cat breeders top dollar to turn their feline clientele at least vaguely straight enough to pop out a few supine sprogs to sell to rich entitled floozies. And by complete accident, they discovered that, hey, turns out their daring contra-poof forays works on humans too. Result!
This also solves the baffling and age-old mystery of why so many cats are rabid religious nutjobs. Exhibit A:
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/6/on-conscripting-lesbian-bitches-and-gay-male-dogs-through-pray-the-gay-away-camps-for-rich-entitled-floozies-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
Be more racist to your sausages: today's TERRIBLE advice
“🤣 oh I can't help but post an emoji on Substack for this one! Love it!”
On gaggles of hussies, showers of floozies, bullshit pro-breasts praise, and vast adult babies: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Sometimes laughter can make a point that outrage cannot. The satire isn't really about revenge....it's about showing how ridiculous it is that mothers are still criticized for feeding their children. Always love reading your work!”
A goddess so magnificent melts before MOI? I'm phenomenal! Plus further ego-stroking manipulative bullshit: today's TERRIBLE advice
“What makes this funny is that beneath all the ridiculousness, there's a grain of truth hiding in there. Not about sleeping with your boyfriend's father, obviously, but about how often people justify behavior by appealing to someone else's ego, blind spots, or assumptions.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?
Your writing has this wonderfully chaotic energy that somehow stays coherent despite how wildly it escalates. 😂 I came for the absurd premise, stayed for the commitment to the bit. Satire like this is harder to write than people think, and you nailed the pacing.
By the way, I've recently started writing psychological and philosophical pieces of my own. If you ever have some time, I'd genuinely love to hear what you think of my work as well. Always excited to connect with fellow writers!
This was gloriously unhinged from start to finish. 😂 The absurd escalation from "gay dogs" to "cats caused by conversion camps" had me laughing because it never pretended to be anything but satire. Underneath the chaos, though, there's a sharp jab at the ridiculousness of trying to "fix" someone's identity. The humor is outrageous, but the point lands. Looking forward to reading more of your beautifully deranged "Terrible Advice."