Satanic autofellatio: the rational tipple for the discerning metalhead: today's TERRIBLE advice
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Nolan asks
I want my ass eaten but I'm single, what do?
My answer
Wasn't there that urban legend that Marilyn Manson had a rib removal operation specifically to allow him to suck his own cock? I have no idea if it was ever true, and in fact thinking back, I'd first heard this when I was six years old, in 1991, and heard it discussed in the school playground, in hushed, taboo tones: "omg you'll never guess what I heard...!", etc. It was almost certainly spectacular bullshit.
That doesn't mean that Manson himself did not in fact start it. He's got a certain Look, a certain Vibe to maintain, yeah? Back in the '80s and '90s, the act of convincing one's fans' parents that one is quite literally Satanic makes one's fans more likely to purchase one's next big record. So get rumour-mongering, and get autofellating. It's the rational choice.
Could you not take a leaf out of Manson's book? Kick off a musical career so Rad and Gnarly and Xtreme that you find yourself needing to spread rumours that you'd had your entire ribcage surgically removed in order to more easily spaghettify your spine around your torso like a dropped firehose and thus dine on your own ass in comfort. Your bras no longer fit, and your internal organs now squidge around inside your flaccid torso like a string of horrible sausages, but at what price comes rectal delight?
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/satanic-autofellatio-the-rational-tipple-for-the-discerning-metalhead-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On conscripting lesbian bitches and gay male dogs through Pray-The-Gay-Away camps for rich entitled floozies: today's TERRIBLE advice
“This is hilarious! I used to think all cats were female when I was a little kid and all dogs were male. haha”
Kapowing distinguished gents into the ionosphere 24/7 via wholesome sideboob: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Man, some solid ass advice as always, I need to start submitting my own problems to you jajajaj need some of that Mikey wisdom!”
On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice
“These always crack me up, I love it!!”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?