Flaunt your bedroom stamina? I melted these pseudogents in eight minutes! Today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Mitchell asks
I don't last in bed. What do?
My answer
The thing about lasting X minutes is, the man is required to balance his arousal and erection hardness between finding his girl too hot and ejaculating too quickly and aargh it's all over, versus finding his girl not hot enough and losing his erection and he can't fuck and aargh it's all over. Difficult.
You could sidestep needing to stay hard at all, though: ever considered using a penis splint? Medics use planks and suchlike to set limbs in place while healsies commence: you could use a cock-sized length of rigid material to set your own flaccid penis in place whilst you fuck your beloved for >X minutes.
I get the best splint results using the penises of other men. Loads of 'em. What you do is: embrace our culture's hilarious porno stereotypes by hiring a dozen-odd pool boys or male strippers, line them up in a row in whatever order you find most pleasing, ensure they're all erect, don't bother to get erect yourself, strap the base of Man #1's cock to the base of yours, use a winch or a crane or a pulley system or something to stretch yours to reach the head of his, strap both heads together, get humping with your beloved, then as Man #1 ejaculates, pull out, detach, start again with Man #2, and continue through your row of Men until you've decided your beloved is satisfied.
Might take a while! Also you might run out of Men. I find most of New Zealand's male stripper orgs won't return my calls any more. I turned up outside menofsteel.co.nz's offices, half the strippers there burst into tears, and the other half started hurling crucifixes at me and Islamic crescents and also what looked like hammer-and-sickle badges, and also screamed BEGONE VILE DEMON AND/OR BOURGEOIS SCUM.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2021/12/flaunt-your-bedroom-stamina-i-melted-these-pseudogents-in-eightminutes-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice
“I can always trust Mikey to swoop in with solid advice. Truly the King Solomon of our time”
On rejuvenating shite grub into exquisite ambrosia by guzzling pints of 800C+ molten salt: today's TERRIBLE advice
“I have absolutely no idea where your brain comes up with this stuff, but it gave me a laugh. Lol!”
Ten thousand tremulous thunder-thighs, the ideal relationship fuel: today's TERRIBLE advice
“This was so epic! I loved this line: "The love and affection that you and your ex(?)-beloved together share shrieks with such volcanic passionate ecstasy that your mental and emotional powers over your body have increased a hundredfold." Your writing had me giggling! Awesome job!”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?