The Cool Cats Avian Apartheid club, Antifa dweeb-0-s beware: today's TERRIBLE advice
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Kim asks
I have a lot of bird feeders and this year, we have a record migration of juncos, which makes me very glad, but it also pleases the neighbour's cat who hunts my little winged friends.
I want to discourage the cat from approaching the feeders without bothering the birds. What do?
If it helps, the cat is female and named Milan.
My answer
Re your bird feeder setup's favoured species, why not tweak it a tad to be a teensy bit more snooty and exclusive and, er, you know, Apartheid-y? Come on. What's the worst that could happen?
You want results, right? Your intentions towards your neighbour's cat are noble and pure and gosh-darn honourable, right? Right! So why not harness and exploit the evils of historic racism for positive and gnarly ends? Why not sup sweet lemonade from life's bitchy bitchy lemons? You should totally contact Nelson Mandela's extended family about all this. They'll be ever so pleased.
Therefore. Shun all birdy pipsqueaks. Repel the dweeb-0-s. Dropkick sparrows. Attract the Hulksters. Fetch hither the avian r0id-monsters. You know. Those who swat mere cats asunder like ping-pong popcorn. Here's how. You know those allegedly business-friendly campaigns that New York used to attract giga-companies like Amazon? The campaigns involving going into financial giga-gimp-mode and offering damn-near negative corporate tax rates if Amazonesque companies could pretty-please-with-sprinkles-on-top abuse New York in particular. Yeah. Those.
Build an avian equivalent for your bird feeders. Make your bird feeders extra-seductive to all the most gigantic and heinous bird species in existence, living or extinct: emus, rheas, moas, ostriches, perhaps Naomi Campbell if she's feeling keen, even Big Bird from Sesame Street if you're extra-reckless. How? I'm no expert on what exactly attracts giganto-birds, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't sex, drugs and rock and roll, tailored per-species. I've never encountered a plant or animal species that this combo doesn't attract, and believe me, it's not for lack of searching.
Everyone loves it. Including wannabe gigantobirds. You invariably get all kinds of dweeb-0-species too stumpy for your nascent Cool Cats Avian Apartheid club, yet so spoiling for a racist rumble that they'll stretch themselves on a torture rack like Morticia Addams, to gain the height creds necessary for entry. Honestly, fair play to 'em. The more the merrier. No cat shall dare defy them. Though with a name like that, you might cop a few thousand firebombs from Antifa executives or Nelson Mandela's lawyers or both.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/4/the-cool-cats-avian-apartheid-club-antifa-dweeb-0-s-beware-todays-terrible-advice
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The escalation from "discourage the cat" to "recruit moas" is the whole trick, isn't it. You never once answer the question and it somehow still feels like advice.