The earthy wisdom of elongating your womb into adjacent postcodes: today's TERRIBLE advice

FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:

Christina asks

I need y’all’s best “worst” advice ever. Currently 8 months pregnant, about to hit that 9 month marker. I’m able to fall asleep with no problem, but staying asleep is a issue. I go to sleep, I hear something or something just wakes me up and I’m up for HOURS.

What should I do to stay asleep through the night.? 😬 😤

My answer

Is it your baby that’s kicking up these ruckuses and wrecking your sleep? Oh man. There are all kinds of solutions:

I personally find that the noises most likely to wake are intermittent things. Continuous white noise? No problem. After a minute or two it's unnoticeable. But clunky, jagged noises? Horrific pain in the ass. God, they're horrible. It's the same principle behind Chinese water torture.

Though is it your baby's kicking that’s waking you? Solving that is easy peasy Nihon-squeezy: you could persuade your baby to kick-kick-kick 24/7/365. Simply get a set of those electrostim abdominizer-ab-zappy getups favoured by wannabe powerlifters, one of these babies: youtu.be/0hwpDnA0_V8 Sneak its cables up your nonny and onto your protobeloved's legs and get that chirpy little fucker kick-kick-kicking whether it wants to or not. Vengeance is sweet.

Though subtler techniques abound. Aren’t there those self-declared “super-mums” insisting on playing Beethoven or something similarly pretentious into their wombs, the better to stimulate juvenile cerebral-thingies? Why not do the same with Jackie Chan movies? He’s made squillions. Blast the lot into your belly at maximum volume on a continuous loop for weeks and weeks. You’ll nod off in minutes.

If neither method works, can’t think why, then simply hire a huge herd of other pregnant ladies to press their tummies up against you like some kind of vast fleshy pulsating Katamari Damacy, then get them and their babies to tag-team-kick you forever. At least one sprog will always be boinking away at your forehead. After a while their rugby-scrumming shall surely blend together into a hellish apocalypse of juvenile dragon-kicks, and tranquility and snoozles shall at last return.

Failing that, you’ll need to physically distance your womb from the rest of you, like a sort of horrible Nintendo 64 Rumble Pak. Isn’t there that tribe whose members find really really long necks gorgeous? Get them to team up with whoever invented cock rings, and together they could invent some kind of ring/hoop system to tie around your belly’s perimeter, ever more tightly, and over a series of days and weeks, lengthen your tummy further and further from the rest of you. After a month or two your womb could become anything up to half a mile away. You’ve now happily ensconced your sprog in its own separate postcode, and you can finally snooze comfortably. Giving birth may take a while though.

Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/6/the-earthy-wisdom-of-elongating-your-womb-into-adjacent-postcodes-todays-terrible-advice

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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts

Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:

On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice

“this was so clever and hysterical, especially like the South pole as a wedding venue so your marriage literally can't go south. funny shit!!! subscribed!”

Notes from the Hill

On the intermediate anus of daring and vigorous ambition: today's TERRIBLE advice

“I was not prepared for where this was going. 😂 The "intermediate asshole of daring and vigorous ambition" absolutely sent me.”

Shivani

The trembly tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise: today's TERRIBLE advice

“Had me at "I have no idea how many years of reverse upward sagging it’d take to reverse and cancel-out your X years of standard floorward sagging enjoyed by conventional breasts, but a decent duration, surely? Enough to buy you enough time to invent some kind of zero-gravity device and just let them flop and wobble around freely forever." 🤣🤣🤣 ... wth!”

The Perception Journal

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Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS

*ahem*

IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:

The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse

Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar

Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?

Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb

Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.

Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy

Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!

Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes

The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.

Part Five: [soon, baby]

Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.

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Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN

Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?