On extra-gorgeous ASCII renditions of baboon anuses: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Sarah asks
hey friends
i was hit by a truck in December and just got this cool medical bill in the mail.
what should i do with it?
*plz no ooc i need to laugh bc i am devastated 🙃*
My answer
Dear god. All right, you're on. I can spy a few loopholes:
The invoice makes no mention of the currency. Why not pay in 1923 German Weimar Republic Marks? You know, the ones involved in the worst case of inflation in history. Check out https://en.wikipedia.org/.../Hyperinflation_in_the_Weimar...: "By November 1923, one US dollar was worth 4,210,500,000,000 German marks." Only 27208 Marks? Meds-wise, that'd cover you a burp from a leper standing on Saturn.
I can't help but notice that the Previous/Current Balance values have no minus-signs, and are in black. Not red (at least I think so - I'm colourblind, and genuinely can't be 100% sure). So are these values positive? Has your account balance with them genuinely increased? Surely they're not implying that the currency transfer direction should be reversed? Same with your health? Did it improve? What the hell kind of truck improves the health of anyone it flattens? Can I ask it to flatten me too?
Blank Payment Due date; blank Pay This Amount date. They're not very emphatic, are they? Could you send them a cheque for negative-infinity dollars, paid back in the Jurassic? See if you can crash their finance servers with horribly invalid data. On second thoughts, you should totally claim that the value of your payment is some horribly non-numeric value, like the Batman logo, or the Prince symbol, or a gorgeous ASCII rendition of a baboon's anus. Choke that dang banking server until it squeals.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/on-extra-gorgeous-ascii-renditions-of-baboon-anuses-todays-terrible-advice
Hungry for more?
Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
Mt. Doom vs Chernobyl, billions of twitchy-schnozzed squirrels, and ceramic/asbestos rigor mortis: today’s TERRIBLE advice
“This "Sexyverse Advice" piece is a wild ride through a chaotic, creative landscape that feels like it’s built on a foundation of pure "Terrible Advice." The contrast between the apocalyptic imagery of Mt. Doom and Chernobyl and the surreal visual of "twitchy-schnozzed squirrels" creates a sharp, funky friction. It captures that exact moment when the "Good Bits" of life are found in the most unpredictable and glorious messes.”
On charging oil barons through the nose as a human drill bit: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Hahahaha. Thank for this advice, Mikey. Keep those Terrible Advices coming. Happy writing. Enjoyed reading this column of yours. 🙂😁”
On hijacking communion wine with anti-tank guns for drug lord infants: today's TERRIBLE advice
“that's really terrifying and at the same time intense. Really enjoyed it Thanks for sharing and keep writing 💫”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?