On orchestrating a glorious crime empire from inside Mummy's womb: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Ashley asks
Sooo I got summoned to jury duty but I’m 28 weeks pregnant and no longer live in the county I received the summons from. What do?
My answer
Write back:
"THANK GOD YOU CALLED! My baby did it! The crime! All crimes! All of them! Those bank robberies! The treasons! The parking tickets! The PC-gone-mad quotas! The child-support payment shirking! The embezzlements! All of it, from within my womb! She's been wearing me like a spacesuit, for months! But at last my ordeal may end! Whisk me away to freedom and relief, you beautiful darling man!"
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/on-orchestrating-a-glorious-crime-empire-from-inside-mummys-womb-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On combating shoplifting accusations by dribbling lab ethanol on every breathalyser in Christendom: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Your writing is seriously entertaining! It’s like a breath of hilarious air. Thanks so much for keeping my feed funny. Yours is one of few posts I read where I actually laugh out loud 🩵”
On conscripting lesbian bitches and gay male dogs through Pray-The-Gay-Away camps for rich entitled floozies: today's TERRIBLE advice
“You're fucking hilarious.”
On your cherished pet bunnies judging you a stinkin' softcock, and on thwarting their hideous psychological Thunderdomes: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Your commitment to the premise is what sells it. By the time you got to the rabbits studying every personality quirk and cognitive weakness, I was invested. 😂 Keep doing ya thing, you've definitely got your own voice.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?