On showing those frigid insurance dingbats who’s oral boss via Golden Gate schlongs: today’s TERRIBLE Advice
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Ashley asks
I was in a car accident and I'm very embarrassed and upset. What should I tell insurance I was on so they don't know I wrecked it completely sober? That would be humiliating.
My answer
Source a personnel list of every single employee of your insurance company. Inform your insurance company that you were receiving road head from every single loved one of every single employee, all at once. Name every single one of them, and their personal habits, in disturbingly specific detail. Don't worry about getting those details correct; it's the spirit of the thing. Overwhelm your insurance assessors with a pungent tsunami of pseudofactoids until they give in. Ever felt baffled at the mystical media successes of Ben Shapiro? This right here is why.
Inform these insurance dingbats that receiving properly serious oral is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge solo: by the time an enterprising individual has managed to tongue their way along your organ's entire expanse, its starting regions have once again reverted to a dire need of oral attention. So naturally you needed to harness entire worker teams.
It's also why your daily-driver car is that insanely long limousine that you see on the movie The Mask, as it's the only vehicle in the world able to transport your overengineered schlong. Tell them that, frankly, you'd been suspicious that the entire insurance company and all its employees had been performing one gigantic coordinated sabotage effort on you and your limo-penis, to force your car crash and remove you from their Problem Customer records, but turns out they're so magnificent at teamwork oral that you just couldn't bring yourself to blow the whistle on them.
Tell the insurance company exactly that. Once you've got their actual real employees baffled to the point of insanity and delirium from your bulletins of teamwork tonguing, you can then physically shove your already-smashed car through their home skyscraper's lobby. They'll be so whacked out on your tall tales of Golden Gate fellatio that you could tell them it was actually their skyscraper that reversed into your car, and they'll believe it. Problem solved.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/on-showing-those-frigid-insurance-dingbats-whos-oral-boss-via-golden-gate-schlongs-todays-terrible-advice
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IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
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Part Five: [soon, baby]
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Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?