Today's TERRIBLE advice: the sublime wisdom of blending Al-Capone-esque rival-whacking tactics with delicate bedroom raunch
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Tifani asks
got this text today from someone i’ve been seeing (2 dates), what do?
My answer
It’s ... it’s obvious, isn’t it? You two lovebirds simply need to close your relative Slut Gap, pronto, via galactic quantities of mutual humping, yet performed such that you redline your potential new paramour’s ideally monstrous XP gains far faster than yours. To achieve both, plus most importantly remain an item and trounce this imminent breakup, first use your overpowering bedroom wiles about which your new paramour is so intimidated to whisk both them and you into bed, get humping - and then, respectfully but incredibly firmly insist that your protobeloved shall lovingly blammo your forehead with a rusty baseball bat every twenty seconds, like you’re on Al Capone’s baddie-side. You shall therefore be concussed and woozy throughout your imminent humptacular ultramarathon and they’ll remain vibrant and sharp. Their raunch smarts will soar to match yours in no time. Problem solved.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/1/todays-terri...
Further Reading: The SEXYVERSE NOVELS
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Crave more bullshit laughs? Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED. And it’ll make me incredibly happy. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?