Why hostessing a zillion vegan quickies makes all abattoir PR teams squirm with ecstasy: today's TERRIBLE advice
FB’s “TERRIBLE advice” group births GLORIOUS creative chaos. It’s funky. It’s fab. It ups life’s Good Bits. Do try some:
Mandi asks
What are some great low carb vegan meals?
My answer
High-quality vegan food? Why not nomnomnom upon the vegans themselves?
There's serious precedent. Depending on the exact variant of vegan philosophy, some vegans are 100%-chill with, say, breast milk dairy products: this is the one occasion that the Animal supplying the Product, in this case an adult human female, may provide their full informed consent. So there's zero quasi-ethical funny business, whew.
So vegan cannibalism is merely another teeny-tiny giga-leap further. Vegans taking one for the team? Actually volunteering for consumption? Why not, eh? Imagine the publicity! A glorious PR bonanza! You and they could team up with various butchers' and abattoirs' long-suffering PR teams, by together pioneering a range of luxury vegan actual-meat cuts. Plaster them with great glossy photos of these vegans striding into slaughterhouses with their heads held high, and offering to sharpen the blades of their near-future comrades-in-arms.
Though, geez, plastering photos of the actual process of slaughtering across public supermarket products could go really dark really quickly, so you'd best counterbalance these images with the vegans squirming with joyous ecstasy ... perhaps they could pair up and start 69ing? Offset the bloodshed with a few zillion cheeky quickies? And if anyone complains, you can always fall back to the classic: "well how do you think you get regular meat? These rabbits were at it like rabbits!"
Pro-vegan allies are everywhere. Wasn't there that German murder trial a few years back involving Man A making it 100% clear to Man B that he was totally okay with B killing and eating him? Were they vegans? I don't recall this emerging during the trial coverage, but can't hurt to ask. Why not reach out to both and ask their advice?
Similar deal with that cow in Douglas Adams's novel "The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" [1]: its breeders sidestepped the ethical quagmire in question by breeding an animal genuinely desirous of slaughter and consumption and capable of saying so in a loud, clear voice. It's been years since I'd read it, but I recall the cow in question being a beacon of level-headed sanity and earthy common sense. Rare words indeed, in these days of supersonic hedgehog brothers and ready-sliced golf shots. [2]
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[1] http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8695
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBURlcNpfoo
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2022/5/why-hostessing-a-zillion-vegan-quickies-makes-all-abattoir-pr-teams-squirm-with-ecstasy-todays-terrible-advice
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Bullshit Hors D’oeuvres: TERRIBLE ADVICE posts
Enjoy this snazzy sampling of hintCLICKABLEhint crowd-pleasers:
On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice
“I enjoyed this! The mix of random observations, humour and curiosity made it a lot of fun to read.”
On scheming bitches, Antarctic science side quests, extra-gorgeous ponies, and the Zodiac Killer: today's TERRIBLE advice
“I can always trust Mikey to swoop in with solid advice. Truly the King Solomon of our time”
Ten thousand tremulous thunder-thighs, the ideal relationship fuel: today's TERRIBLE advice
“Vivid, visceral, and just the right amount of chaotic. You always manage to paint these incredibly bold pictures with your words. It’s hard not to feel the 'tremulous' energy you’re describing here.”
Bullshit Banquet: the SEXYVERSE NOVELS
*ahem*
IN A WORLD where wars are fought with romance and flirting and delicious erotic TENSION, the rivalries throbbing between history’s Great Powers have become a BUTTLOAD more bubbly, with fewer hideous massacres of musket and cannon, and OODLES more frisky cunnilingus contests:
The Sex Commandos Thwart The Third Vaginal Apocalypse
Part One: The Knights Of Raw Phwoar
Might Earth’s free nations drown under terrifying tornadoes of French femme-foam? Like hell, shout Britain’s Royal Marines Sex Commandos. Let’s assassinate France’s Imperatrix Brigitte Bardot! Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?
Part Two: The Soviet Sluts Superb
Turns out out-flirting Imperatrix Bardot is like trying to wank off Mt. Blanc when it’s wanking you back. Plan B: skedaddle, regroup, out-flirt the entirety of France and get loads more practice, then it’s stealthy-sneaky Round Two or bust.
Part Three: The Cervical Supremacy
Turns out flirting with every ladybro Rambo in France produces Rivals and Frenemies and Jilted Waifus galore. Smashing fun, but utter Kryptonite for Imperial kill-plans. Like, ever tried noshing off a world leader whilst a billion fanb0is fondle your buttocks? Want to? Read on!
Part Four: The Praetorian Prostitutes
The game’s up! The irresistible force of fanb0i-fondlemania has headbutted the immovable object of a gazillion furious Paris cops. They too thirst for Sex Commando patoot. Crunch time. Either launch one final rocket-strike against Bardot and France, or Earth’s free nations forever perish.
Part Five: [soon, baby]
Click these and enjoy these and your appetites will be SATISFIED.
Bullshit Emeritus: YOUR TURN
Fancy some boutique TERRIBLE advice of your own? Comment your question or dilemma, and I’ll magic up something deliciously wicked to put a smile on your face, just for you. You put yummy in my tummy, you know that?